Being an Army wife seems like the ultimate sacrifice – but we don’t have a choice
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The kind of bravery she showed is just one essential trait required to make it through being a military wife, as I've learned from my own experiences – alongside patience, practical skills and an ability to swap household appliances.
When I joined my husband in the military sixteen and a half years ago through marriage, I wasn't fully aware of the situation I was stepping into. First and foremost, my husband had been considering leaving, but here we are, nearly two decades on, still constantly relocating and following the Army wherever it leads.
In the meantime, he's had various attachments and numerous house moves over the years, resulting in a lot of time spent away from home due to work commitments. We often joke that he's spent more time away from our three kids than with them, but I'm too afraid to work out whether it's actually true or not.
For many of the serving personnel I've come across, it seems the primary reason they've managed to persevere is that serving is an innate calling. It's a part of who they are and, by association, a part of their families - whether they've chosen to have it that way or not.
It looks different for every family. Some choose separate living arrangements so the non-serving partner can focus on their career while the children have a settled home. The serving partner comes and goes from their deployment location, wherever it may be. This option allows for the possibility of purchasing a home and building a community in a specific area. However, it can be a difficult and lonely experience, particularly for families with children who often have to cope without one parent.
More often than not, the family goes as a whole. Army postings frequently change every 1.5 to two years; you usually get six months to a year's notice, and sometimes it's shorter, as to where you're off to next. That time will then be taken up with a flurry of attempts to prepare.
You determine whether you can take your current job with you or need to find alternative employment elsewhere, if that's feasible. We spent the early years of our married life in a country where my visa restrictions meant I wasn't permitted to work, so I had to secure unpaid work experience to avoid a gap in my employment history, and welcomed my baby during this time.
It's worth trying to join the local "Patch" Facebook group for the area you're moving to, so you can ask about the best schools and nurseries for your kids and see if you can charm your way onto any waiting lists. Fingers crossed that by the time you actually make the move, a place might become available.
Or you take the less pleasant option and send the kids to boarding school; trying to figure out where in the country would be the most convenient in the long term – until you get transferred to the other side of the country or even abroad. You have to put on a brave face, all the while ironing on their name tags and going through the motions, quietly counting down the days until they get their next weekend off and can return home.
You've no idea what your new home will look like, obviously. The Facebook group might give you some idea of the possibilities or which homes are soon going to be on the market, or what the basic room layout will be. We work out if your furniture's going to fit or if there's a chance you'll have to sell some things or put them in storage. I suppose you hope the accommodation's in a decent state and isn't one of the many military properties with damp and mould problems.
In most cases, the initial impression of a new home is formed the moment a moving van arrives at the property. Upon arrival, you'll likely find an oven installed, but you'll need to provide other essential household appliances, typically referred to as white goods, yourself. As a result, there is often a brisk exchange of goods among residents.
Sometimes you're managing everything on your own because your partner's in the military, either serving overseas or undergoing pre-deployment training at home. As an Army wife, there are many things you do by yourself. I personally had to care for my children under five and work full-time, all on my own, for nine entire months, which was a huge challenge. Thankfully, my husband returned home in time to be with us for the birth, I've heard many other women who have had to go through these hardships on their own, having their babies without their husbands being present, or being deployed soon after the baby is born.
There are other daily routines you become accustomed to handling on your own: managing the children; dealing with maintenance issues such as leaky appliances (I once inadvertently flooded the flat below ours in an overzealous attempt to persevere); assembling furniture; coordinating school drop-offs and medical appointments. It often occurs that you're not sure whereabouts your partner is or when you might hear from them next. When their call does arrive, it usually happens during a abrupt moment, such as during bath time; however, you take the call because you don't know when their next one might be, and you try to put on a cheerful tone.
At the back of your mind, there's the constant worry that you may one day receive a call telling you that everything has gone wrong. You try to push these thoughts aside, as dwelling on them achieves nothing. However, it doesn't mean your children are not thinking about this possibility.
A question from my middle son suddenly and sombrely lay heavy in the air - what would happen if Daddy weren't around anymore? I reassured him it wouldn't happen, he pressed on, the question hanging in the air until I surrendered, telling him it would be very sad, but we'd just have to cope with it.
You build a circle of fellow wives who truly comprehend what you're going through. Sometimes, they're nearby, living on the same housing development, making it easy to meet up for a glass of wine and a moan; at other times, they're just a desperate WhatsApp message away ("Talk to me Goose," one friend responds whenever I send her a frantic "Arghhh"). These are the people you can rely on for support, the ones you're not afraid to be vulnerable with because they understand exactly what you're going through.
One of my friends keeps a draft of a letter she wrote to her husband two years ago, when they were having a tough time, threatening to leave if things didn't improve. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only person who's written a letter like that. You don't tell others about this sort of thing, because to them, you seem like you've got everything under control. "I don't know how you cope," a non-military friend once said to me - but what choice do I have?
To be honest, the reality is that we, the partners and families, don't have a say in the matter.
We chose not to serve in the military, and the truth is, the armed forces don't really consider us a priority - we're simply an inconvenience to be addressed; an unintended casualty. Still, we play a part nonetheless; we're in this situation collectively, whether we accept it or not.
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